Setting: ‘The Commitment Phobe’ writes me 5 months after things fall apart the SECOND time, feeling me out for friendship… here is the response:

“I’m not sure how to respond to this. It’s not that it’s unexpected, it’s just I never made up my mind. I don’t have any negative feelings towards you whatsoever. And I’m still in love with you. I’ve just gotten used to that feeling, apparently. It doesn’t even mean I want you back anymore. It’s just something that ‘is’, like the sky is blue, etc. I guess I’ve just come to accept that. I think often and fondly of you but I don’t really think of being WITH you anymore. I think of ‘YOU’, not ‘US’, if that makes sense. That’s why the friendship thing sways back and forth just out of my reach for now…. I can’t offer you true friendship. I don’t know what I can offer. I don’t even know how to interact with you without hurting one of us. I don’t know, I guess I was just in too deep. I think you should keep your happy thoughts because I feel the same way, but I think I have to excuse myself from trying to find a happy ground on a day to day basis, at least right now. I mean if we went to a movie tomorrow, it’d be no big deal at all, but eventually I think I’ll fall apart if you become a part of my life again.

“I shouldn’t even send this because I’m dead tired and this doesn’t really convey my thoughts or even present them in a favorable way but I need to go to sleep and if this is on my plate for tomorrow, I won’t. ehhehehe see? I’m not ready at all:) So don’t fall off the planet or think any negative thoughts. If I see you soon, cool. If not, you are still in the back of my mind. And I still have that plant for you…. I’ll get it to Cindy some time. take care, be safe.

To cut a very long story short, I got semen in my mouth from a used condom on the floor. I am worried that I am at risk of getting the HIV virus. I am not sure how long the condom had been on the floor.

…read more

I can’t really say I’m surprised at all… I routinely come across things that seem odd and out of place. For example, one of the most common scams going on is that you’ll see a beautiful girl. So you’ll write. You get a nice personalized letter back and she will give you her ‘personal’ email. WOW, you think, she actually replied. So you’ll write again. This time she’ll invite you to watch her on her private cam. As soon as you sign up for the free service, she (more likely he) gets a hefty affiliate commission and you get screwed without even paying for dinner. This is a totally common scam. But it’s not all that odd or out of place:) What IS odd though is when you see a really hot girl and she doesn’t reply. Ok, maybe that in itself isn’t all that odd…. I mean lots of people don’t reply, but then again, who’s to say this girl ever replies? I’ve run into a few of these girls and then later found their same picture with a totally different profile associated with it…. different age, height, location, profession, etc. And then, I’ll find their profile text somewhere else but associated with a different picture. In this case there were 3 girls from the same town, all smoking hot. The town maybe had 200 people in it. Just seems funny that there could be that many notably pretty girls in a town that small. So I wrote them…. no reply. So they arent webcam scammers. In fact, if they don’t write back, they aren’t just your typical butt ugly girl looking for a little conversation either. So why create multiple fake profiles? Doesn’t make sense…. unless they are just being seeded…. (?)

ok, I know you were expecting some kind of witty punchline, but I don’t have one this time… just thought it was an interesting article because I had been wondering about this for some time. Looks like we are all desperate.

…so I winked. I get a reply 20 mins later…. it’s the same girl I went out with the week before that I met on Yahoo! Except this time she’s looking for women and ‘couples’ as well! hehehe. Then I get an email from a 40yr old asking me if I’d like to screw her while her husband watched, but she wasn’t too hot so I politely declined:)

Next, a buff guy wearing nothing but hiking boots and tighty whiteys writes me up… ‘BiGuy43sum’ or something like that…. saying I showed up on his ‘new members’ list…. (mine only shows chicks, mind you) anyway he’s actually a nice guy and basically tells me I’m never ever going to get anywhere with my profile the way it is (although apparently it was good enough to get him hitting on me.) But he really was giving me sound advice, so I thanked him and explained I’m probably just going to let this expire at the end of the month and maybe the others too…. with all the time I spend online I figure I might do better if I just went out 2hrs a night and see what happens.

Anyway, after that, I get winked at by a local 22 yr old with the following profile:

Profile title: “Hi I’m single and always horny. I love to bang. I have a shaved twat and DD tits.”

(Entire) profile text: “I’m always horny talk to me and I’ll tell ya about myself. My ‘ideal person’ is a nice guy not scared of a woman that knows what she wants and loves having sex”

… so I write back and say something along the line that I’m not too comfortable with the whole random sex thing, to which she responds, “I’m looking for a serious relationship” obviously put off with me…. ehhehehehe now how in the hell would I know that? Even a master at reading between the lines would get that one wrong.

… and this is only day 3:)

“You are bidding on a mistake. We all make mistakes. We date the wrong people for too long. We chew gum with our mouths open. We say inappropriate things in front of grandma… And we buy leather pants….

“I can explain these pants and why they are in my possession. I bought them many, many years ago under the spell of a woman whom I believed to have taste. She suggested I try them on. I did. She said they looked good. I wanted to have a relationship of sorts with her. I’m stupid and prone to impulsive decisions. I bought the pants.

“The relationship, probably for better, never materialized. The girl, whose name I can’t even recall, is a distant memory. I think she was short.

“Ultimately the pants were placed in the closet where they have remained, unworn, for nearly a decade. I would like to emphasize that: Aside from trying these pants on, they have never, ever been worn. In public or private.

“I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons:

“I am not a member of Queen.
I do not like motorcycles.
I am not Rod Stewart.
I am not French.
I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car.

“These were not cheap leather pants. They are Donna Karan leather pants. They’re for men. Brave men, I would think. Perhaps tattooed, pierced men. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say you either have to be very tough, very gay, or very famous to wear these pants and get away with it.

“Again, they’re men’s pants, but they’d probably look great on the right lady. Ladies can get away with leather pants much more often than men can. It’s a sad fact that men who own leather pants will have to come to terms with.

“They are size 34×34. I am no longer size 34×34, so even were I to suddenly decide I was a famous gay biker I would not be able to wear these pants. These pants are destined for someone else. For reasons unknown - perhaps to keep my options open, in case I wanted to become a pirate - I have shuffled these unworn pants from house to house, closet to closet. Alas, it is now time to part ways so that I may use the extra room for any rhinestone-studded jeans I may purchase in the future.

“These pants are in excellent condition. They were never taken on pirate expeditions. They weren’t worn onstage. They didn’t straddle a Harley, or a guy named Harley. They just hung there, sad and ignored, for a few presidencies.

“Someone, somewhere, will look great in these pants. I’m hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into buying them by a girl you’re trying to bed.

“Please buy these leather pants.”

- written by an unknown, somehow associated with banterist.com, a very funny site.

“I am a very good cook [bonus!] but I need a better guinea pig than my 9 yr. old daughter she’s not very good with new recipes. [hmmm kids are usually pretty honest.] I’ve been told that I have an infectious laugh. My daugter says I talk too much. [So your own kid thinks you talk too much and you can’t cook? Maybe this is going South?] I have a very creative imagination that I use in my erotica writing. [OK, wait, we’re back on sex…] I am a very open minded person with an elclectic sense of personality I’m not what you expect. [’elclectic’ personality?]

“I am 34 years old but wise beyond my years, but you would have to get to know me to know that. I started this one day and I am finishing it on another day. [oooooh, that is wise] See how the tone has changed this is typical of a normal person with insighte and not just trying to show you the false side. [ah, I see now… you’re a complete looney with an ‘elclectic’ personality.] Hope to hear from you soon thank you for taking the time to read me well and I hope you see something that interests you deeply.

Yes, I think we ‘read you well’ enough… I’ll keep you in the back of my head:

… got it. I’ll be in touch.

Q: I just moved here, I’m 34, I’d like to meet people my own age… the bars here seem to be full of kids spilling drinks on themselves… where does a guy go to meet 25+/’30 something’ year old single women in this town?

A: Yes, the bars here are no place for a guy like you … Try going grocery shopping on Sunday afternoon, buying a puppy (instant chick magnet) or hanging out at Angelo’s Arts &Crafts store.

I now have 14 puppies, a lifetime supply of water based paint, and a refridge full of rotting food, and none of the cashiers still have any idea what I’m talking about, and are like, “someone from the newspaper told you to come here to get a date?!?”