I got a Yahoo! ‘icebreaker’ from a smoking hot 34 yr old mother asking me how I am. Her profile, strangely enough, doesn’t mention her kids. Instead of taking the regular passive approach, I decided to go for broke…

” …doing well, thank you:) and yourself?

I have to admit, I typically don’t surf the ‘divorced with children’ profiles, simply because the women that I’ve read about seem to be looking for a new husband and a father, and their profiles make it quite clear that not only are you dating them, but you are dating their kids as well… but you don’t sound like that. Your header doesn’t say, ‘looking for my Prince Charming’, or ‘Are you my soulmate?’, or ‘Serious Inquires Only’… yours says lover and a friend, which puts me back in the running. It does, however, raise some questions…” Read the rest of this entry »

I found a beautiful, intelligent girl today while I was surfing profiles…. then, all of a sudden, this one came by and ate her.

What follows is a very long email exchange between yours truly and an unsuspecting girl. It’s meant for all you voyeurs out there. Be forewarned though… it is unedited and very looooong, so don’t get pissed when the story abruptly ends in a way you weren’t expecting…
Read the rest of this entry »

Normally when a buddy refers to a woman as a ‘MILF.’, images of Catherine Zeta Jones, or Cindy Crawford, or some other wildly attractive woman with children come to mind. But in the world of online dating, there is a second type of MILF that is unfortunately much more common… that’s right, ‘Mothers I’d Like to Forget’.

Personally, an ‘instant family’ is a little bit more than I can handle at the moment so I purposely try to avoid divorced women using my toggles. This woman though slipped through my filter because apparently even though she had a child, she had never actually been married. Then it occurred to me; she must have gotten knocked up when she was clowning around…

We’ve all heard about the Russian mail order brides and these girls are (unfortunately) truly in a class by themselves when it comes to ‘desperate daters’.

I just got hit on today by this cute 21 year old girl from the Ukraine who writes, “I to dream to find good the man in the Internet. To marry it.” This was on a site where I basically had signed up but posted no pictures, nor even pasted my usual profile text…. now THAT is desperate.

…Where do I sign up again?

The webmaster at patheticpersonals.com turned me on to a site called myspace.com, which is just a great (totally free) site. Once there, I happened to stumble upon this girl’s profile. It’s just my luck though, she just moved away for greener pastures in NYC… I would have liked to ridden her.

I’m not quite sure, but I think I just found Herman and Lily’s niece’s profile on Match.com. It’s true she’s lost her girlish figure, but she still has her uncle’s rugged good looks and dashing smile…

Posted directly from this 24yr olds’ profile:

“Summer is upon us and its time for some great picnic food. I’m willing to put some barbecue portions all over my body and have you eat them off. Men, you will be walking around with your shirts off so PLEASE wax off ALL body hair, it’s just gross.

“I’m also looking for a date to go to the beach… So here’s the criteria: I need some mostly disease free men that are ready to party! I’ll be bringing 30 jars of grape jelly, an anatomically correct life-size cardboard cut out of Mr. Peanut, a collection of Dr. Seuss books, a blow up punching clown, a valet cart, a nun’s habit, a fake bear fur rug, fish hooks, magnets, a spare tire, a pair of suspenders, some permanent markers, a gear shifter, a bag of sand, and a Japanese fighting fish.

“You are required to bring some Guinness, a bag of marbles, more Guinness, a map of the United States, monopoly game pieces (game board not required), an orange construction barrel, one of those beer hats that you put the drinks in and you can drink out of, glow in the dark body paint, a disco ball, a kazoo, walkie talkies, a snowboard, and a complete set of tupperware.

“If you think you’re tough enough, send me a shout. I’m also open to trying new things. So send some pics (preferably scarcely dressed.) For those who are brave enough, you get a guaranteed free pass to “Girls’ Nite” at my house, complete with all the items listed above.”

… talk about crazy! I mean, what kind of girl would bring a bag of sand to the beach?!?

Every once in a while you come across a girl that isn’t really your type but you think to yourself, “I know a person that would just be perfect for her…”

Unfortunately, last I heard, those three bald guys were still wearing black turtlenecks and playing drums out in Las Vegas…